tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central May 2, 2013 1:30am-2:01am PDT
captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, nation, tonight it is my job, sadly, to report more disturbing news from the folks over at the f.d.a. now i never trusted these clowns. who are they to tell me how many
flintstone vitamins i can eat? i say it's a great breakfast cereal. because it already contains so much calcium, i can use soda instead of milk. nation, today they proved that f.d.a. really stands for the fornication distribution agenda. >> the morning-after pill is moving over the counter. the f.d.a. announcing that plan-b, as it is called, will be available to children as young as 15 years old and no prescription needed. >> stephen: so they're handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like chicklets but i still need to show my passport and provide a dna sample to buy some damned sudafed. how am i supposed to make my meth? for more on this scandal we turn to america's foremost experts on young women's reproductive health, conservative men in their 60s. >> this is the president's value judgment that he and his government and his administration can bring about
sexual freedom without biological consequence. >> because a 15-year-old girl gets to get one of these every other week? it's encouraging this behavior. >> all of a sudden now it's 15 years. so what is going to happen two years from now? somebody is going to make another argument and they're going to say, you know what? maybe it should be from the moment they're born. >> stephen: sadly, manny, i think babies are already getting their hands on it. i've never seen a pregnant one. welcome to obama's america, folks. don't you see the shame of having to ask a man in a lab coat for sex medicine was america's last defense on the border of slut city. folks, this isn't just about morality. what about the economic impact? i work for viacom. and two of the company's biggest cash cows are teen mom and 16 and pregnant. plan-b could obliterate these treasured franchises and frankly
no one wants to watch 34 financially stable and pregnant. folks, it seems these days every time you turn on the news, there's another heart-breaking story about victims of gun violence targeting innocent members of congress. it has to end. and i know i'm not going to win any awards for saying that. unless the n.r.a. gives out awards. they do? oh, it's a seat in the senate. great. ( cheers and applause ). now, the latest senseless victim of these victims is new hampshire senator kelly ayotte, one of the heroes who voted to block the gun bill that would have expanded background checks and made americans wait 30 minutes after eating before firing a gun in a pool. well, yesterday, the senator was
caught in an emotional cross fire when ambushed at a town hall by the daughter of the principal who was slain at sandy hook. >> you had mentioned that the owners of gun stores that expanded background checks would cause. i'm just wondering why the burden of my mother being gunned down in the halls of her elementary school isn't as important as that. >> stephen: is it over? folks, i'm telling you, we cannot underestimate the danger posed by the victims of gun violence. they are sympathetic figures who are fanatically committed to having someone do something and their numbers are growing every day.
that's why senator joe manchin who cosponsored the original background check bill has vowed to reintroduce it all on the flimsy excuse that over 90% of americans want it. making it slightly more popular than nacho cheese and reach-arounds. not to mention nacho reach-arounds. which incidentally is the worst doritos flavor ever. obviously, those of us who oppose background checks could argue our case again. but our case has one weakness. >> there were no coherent arguments as to why we wouldn't do this. >> stephen: fine. then what about incoherent arguments like background checks will lead to a gun registry as of a lot by big foot and the illuminate to replace the pope with that dog from the bush's baked beans commercial. but luckily there's a way we can defeat the forces of "doing
something." and it brings us to tonight's word. ( cheers and applause ). n.r.a.-vana. nation, on my very first broadcast of this show i coined the word truthiness to describe the natural human desire to ignore facts and to go with what you feel in your gut. and truthiness works. after all, i won a pulitzer for it. no, but it feels like i did. sadly, with the increasing frequency and magnitude of mass shootings, the victims and their families are winning the emotional argument. but some brave and heartless individuals are willing to fight back against the tyranny of empathy. like national review columnist kevin d. williamson who said of gabby giffords, quote, it should be noted that being shot in the head by a lunatic does not give one any special grace to pronounce upon public policy
questions. oh, it is noted. experiencing massive head trauma does not give you special insight. for instance, judging by his column, there is something wrong with kevin williamson's head. now, another hero in this fight is senator rand paul who said this about the president and the newtown families. >> i hate to see him using people. i think as props and politicizing people's tragedy. i mean, when i see the father and the mothers anthem testifying, it still saddens me just to see them. >> stephen: hey, newtown parents, stop making rand paul sad. he's extremely sensitive to his own feelings. i mean, what i think rand paul reminds us us here is that grieving families aren't the real victims. gun owners are. a point driven home by conservative radio host bob
davis. >> i'm sorry that you suffered a tragedy. but you know what? deal with it and don't force me to lose my liberty which is a greater tragedy than your loss. >> stephen: yes, the parents of newtown only lost their children but bob davis might have to fill out some forms at a gun show. that's a precious waste of time -- time that could be spent yelling at people who have lost their children. and folks, davis, already knows what he'd yell. >> i'm sick and tired of seeing these victims trotted out, given rides on air force one, hauled into the senate well and everyone is just... they're terrified of these victims. i would stand in front of them and tell them go to hell. >> they're being used. stephen: finally someone with the courage to tell off these newtown parents to their faces. and folks he would do it.
in fact when one sandy hook resident offered to pay to fly him out to connecticut davis proved he not only talks the talk, he walks the... hasn't responded. well, he's probably busy answering fan mail. now, i know that you might be saying, stephen, won't demonizing the victims of gun violence make people hate us? no, greg. it won't because it already has. >> senator, you voted no on that background check. according to a new p.p.p. poll, nevada senator dean heller lost two points over all. senator mark begich of alaska down six points. his colleague in alaska murkowski lost 16 points. senator rob portman ohio of lost a net of 18 points. new hampshire republican kelly ayotte has slid 15 points. >> stephen: poor kelly ayotte. apparently new hampshire voters don't want to change their state motto to live free and die.
but, folks, to win the fight against these enormously popular modest gun regulations, we can't care about the voters. we can't care about coherent argument. we can't even care about what feels right. we have to go beyond all previous experience of political engagement and human interaction and achieve what i believe the zen buddhists call satori, wherein we are but empty vessels waiting to be filled. these senators must reach a state beyond truthiness, a complete nonattachment to anything other than keeping their jobs. and that's the word.
thank you. >> how are you doing. stephen: ryan, thanks for coming, man. very excited here. very excited. mclemore, can i call you ben? >> sure. tephen: ben haggerty, ryan lewis. very formal here. thank you for wearing your formal t-shirt. >> you're welcome. stephen: guys, while i'm a fan, i've got a beef with you. >> lay it out. stephen: you released your album independently, okay. produced yourself. released it independently. do you know what that does to corporations when they do not get the majority of the cash from sales? it is show biz, okay. not show "have fun and make music." why did you do that? >> for those exact reasons. it's in our control. it's in our creative direction. we get to pick what we do. we get to pick what we make. we get to market it how we want
to market it. it's our brand. we get more money at the end of the day. >> stephen: you don't have to sell out. ( cheers and applause ). okay. so it's about not selling out. but you did hire part of the warner group to get you guys on the radio, right? >> we did. stephen: you didn't sell it. you rented it out. >> rented. stephen: is that a new model? you know what? i think that's a model that has really never been done before. and i think it is a testament to the direction that major labels should be going which is, you know, if aura completely independent artist, to be able to take a crack at radio and not be signing a deal, not be signing a 360 deal. and have access to radio. if you have a song that you think works for it. for a short amount of time on no contract and really that's all that labels have left is a connection to radio. >> stephen: they're clicking on the you-tube. that's like 250 million hits on
thrift shop. is every kid now instead of the top 40, is ever kid clicking their own ryan seacrest making their own top 40 like casey cassom. >> i have no idea who casey cassom is. >> stephen: he's for young guys like me. you wouldn't know who that was. let's talk turkey here. can we talk turkey? mclemore. mclemore. ryan lewis. did you ever get pissed off? this guy is in the spotlight. now is your time to shine. does that ever piss you off? >> i think that there was a period, you know, i think you go in and out of, of course, wanting to be the lead singer yourself. at this point now that i have a very good scope to what being a celebbity is, i think i'm happy being in the background. >> stephen: that's tough. it makes for aate low more sunglasses and... for a lot more sunglasses and ball caps and fake wigs. >> stephen: i know the feeling. i'll be like at the plant store
getting some mulch. one of the young guys will say aren't you that guy who used to work for jon stewart? and i'm like please leave me alone. ( applause ) you do songs that are a little bit unusual for hip hop like the song you're doing tonight is in favor or in support of gay marriage. >> yes stephen: that's not... ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's not the most common thing to be hip hopping about. my friend snoop, a friend of the show, said that like homosexuality and hip hop may never be able to ghettoing. what do you say to that? >> was he on weed when he said it? >> stephen: he was alive. i think that in the last year alone, hip hop has made great strides in terms of being more open minded. it is an art form stereotypically in the past that has been very homophobic, very
mask lynn driven culture. a lot of miss oj knee a lot of homophobia in the last year of people's minds have started to open up. you have barack obama in support of gay marriage. >> stephen: i'm not familiar with barack obama's rap words. but i'm sure it's very good. >> barack obama, if you listen faintly, you can hear faint rap music coming from the white house on sunday nights i've heard >> stephen: full rap used to say things like [bleep] police. what do you want to do to the police? ryan? >> i'd want nothing to do with the police. >> stephen: well, i'll tell you what. would you do a song for us now that you're all set up? ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much for being here. we'll be right back with a performance by maclemore and ryan lewis.
i told my mom she was like, ben, you liked girls in pre-k. the stereotypes all in my head. i remember doing the math like, yeah, i'm good at little league. a preconceived idea of what it all means to like the same sex. to have the characteristics, the right wing conservatives. you can be a predisposition. now here we go. what we don't know. somehow we fair a phrase book written 3500 years ago. >> i can't change. even if i try. even if i wanted to. >> and i can't change even if i tried. even if i wanted to
♪ my love, my love, she keeps me warm ♪ ♪ if i was gay, i would think hip hop hates me ♪ ♪ have you read the you-tube comments lately ♪ man that's gay gets dropped from the daily ♪ we've become so numb to what we're saying. our culture founded from oppression, yeah, we don't have acceptance for 'em. call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board. a word rooted in hate. yet our genre still ignores it. gay is a synonymous with the lesser it's the same hate that's caused wars from religion. gender to skin color, complex onof your pigment. the same fight that lead people to walk outs and sit-ins. that hol he'll water that you
soak in has been poisoned when everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen. i might not be the same. but that's not important. no freedom 'til we're equal. damned right i supposer it. (trombone). >> i can't change even if i try ♪ ♪ even if i wanted to love, love, love ♪ ♪ keeps me warm ♪ keeps me warm ♪ it keeps me warm >> we press play. don't press pause. progress much on. with a veil over our eyes we turn our back on the cause 'til the day that my uncles can be united by law kids are walking around the hallway plagued by
pain in their heart a world so hateful someone would rather die than be who they are. a certificate on paper isn't going to solve it all bull it's a damned good place to start. no law's going to change us. we have to change us. whatever god you believe in, we come from the same one. strip away the fear. underneath it's all the same love. about time that we raised up. ♪ i can't change even if i tried ♪ ♪ even if i wanted to ♪ i can't change ♪ even if i tried ♪ even if i wanted to put your hands together. ♪ it keeps me warm ♪ it keeps me warm ♪ it keeps me warm love is patient. love is kind. love is patient love is kind.
>> i'm not cryin' on sundays. i'm not crying on sundays. i'm not cryin' on sundays. i'm not cryin' on sundays. i'm not cryin' on sundays. i'm not crying on sun suns. i'm not crying on sundays. >> love is patient. love is kind. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: mclemore and ryan lewis, the heist. we'll be right back.